Community groups villainize L.A. stoners
On January 26, the Los Angeles city council passed an ordinance outlawing the use of medical marijuana in 20 percent of the dispensaries in the area, forcing those with medical weed cards to smoke in public, presumably. The ordinance was pushed through  by community groups who wanted dispensaries to move away from residential neighborhoods, schools, and parks, exactly where they are most convenient. Councilman Ed Reyes called the dispensaries “out of control” and said that the city “has more of these than Starbucks,” effectively labeling over-priced pot as more common in L.A. than over-priced coffee.

U.S. vulnerable to Internet attacks
On January 25, according to the New York Times, “top Pentagon leaders gathered to simulate how they would respond to a sophisticated cyber attack” similar to that which Google experienced recently. Evidence showed that Google computers had “been penetrated” by the Chinese. In response to Google’s accusations, the Chinese accused the U.S. of pursuing “hegemonic domination” of the Internet, but that is NOT true. I get viruses from Chinese websites that pirate episodes of True Blood all the time, which seems pretty aggressive to me.
The Pentagon reportedly failed the simulation, exposing our vulnerability to cyber attacks, but Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton assured hostile countries that the U.S. would ensure that the attacking country would “suffer damage to their reputations” and “be frozen out of the global economy,” the equivalent of international diplomatic silent treatment. Next week, Pentagon officials will be going to Q-Zar to simulate how they would respond to a sophisticated laser attack.

Don’t forget—M.I.A. is a terrorist
On January 27, Mahinda Rajakpasa was re-elected president of Sri Lanka after one of the hardest-fought elections in Sri Lankan history. Part of that was due to the fact that the Tamil Tigers, a terrorist organization in Sri Lanka, emerged as a decisive voting bloc. Now rapper M.I.A., whose father was a Tamil Tiger, has Sri Lankan politics right where she wants them: at her mercy. Look out for possible terrorist communications in her upcoming album this summer, which features songs such as “Down Like Your Internet Connection” (see above story) and “I Fight the Ones that Fight Me.”

Just so you know about Haiti
There was an earthquake of a magnitude 7.0 at the Haitian capital Porte Au Prince on January 12 which demolished freaking everything. We’re next.

This article originally appeared in the February 2010 issue.